After waiting 7 agonizing days of waiting to find out our amniocentesis results, we finally went back to the ultrasound doctor. This was not an exciting visit. We were going to find out what was wrong with our baby.
We walked in with tears in our eyes instead of smiles on our faces. We found out our baby did have Trisomy 18. The baby had a third chromosome in the 18th pair in every single one of the cells (there could have been a small chance that it was only in half of the cells). We also found that our baby was a girl. I think that crushed me more than anything. I really wanted a daughter. We made a follow up appointment with my regular OB/GYN.
We went into the doctor a few days later. She could not find the heartbeat of our baby girl. She had passed away. It was heartbreaking. I have never cried so much in my entire life, than I did in the two weeks all of this happened. We scheduled a date for a D&C.
March 4th. A day I celebrate as her birthday. We decided to name her Adelyn Mariah. This was way before Adelyn became the popular name it is now. I went in to the operating room with a baby, I came out empty; and I mean empty. I felt hollow. My mom had flown down to be with us during that time. Her and my husband wanted me to eat and go to the bathroom so we could leave the outpatient room. All I could do was lay there and cry. I don't think I ate for 3 days. I was angry, sad, frustrated, all kinds of emotions. I was so mad at my body, I was mad at God, I was mad at my cousin, who waited until I was going through all of this to announce she was pregnant that was an accident. I can honestly say I was never angry at my husband. I blamed myself and he blamed himself; but we never blamed each other.
Now the happy ending:
My doctor told me I needed to lose 30 pounds and wait 3 months OR wait 6 months before trying again. I lost 30 pounds and waited the 3 1/2 months. I became pregnant with Elexis during the same month I was due to give birth. God had a plan, he just didn't let me in on it. My second pregnancy was a good pregnancy, but I was so paranoid that I called my doctor about anything. She understood and was empathetic and would bring me in (sometimes after hours) to reassure me with finding the baby's heartbeat. Elexis even came on her due date.
Every March 4th, I let myself grieve for my first baby girl. I never got to physically hold her, but I know I will meet her one day. This past year we decided to start a new tradition and release pink balloons that day. It was beautiful. I like it better than just reading the reports and all of our wonderful cards and crying by myself. She would have been 14 this year. I think about her often, and now I have finally written her story. Thank you all so much for reading.
My family
P.S. This is my 100th post!!! Yay.
Cristy this is just so so sad. We both share that we have a baby girl angel in Heaven. My baby was full term (actually 3 weeks past her due date). But God had another plan for me as well. I gave birth to my youngest son one year and one week later. Thank you for sharing this powerful story. I know how hard it was to write!
ReplyDeleteThanks Paula. Who knows, maybe our babies are playing together. I am glad that we have this bond. It's not a fun bond. I often think about what she would be like if she were born. But then I wouldn't have my daughter now. *hugs*
Delete*HUGS* Thank you for sharing all of this. I know it had to be hard to do so. I can't even imagine how angry your cousin must have made you. I get ticked every time my cousin pops up all gleeful about getting knocked up accidentally without being in your situation. I hope that doesn't sound insensitive. I think you're very brave and I admire you greatly.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it is insensitive at all. My same cousin has the same problem. They need to learn better birth control methods. I know there are some effective ones out there. Thank you for the kind words. I didn't feel brave, just vulnerable, so thank you for saying that. It helps. *hugs*
DeleteAww..I totally get your story. My sil got pg right at the same time I did practically. I had a m/c. I couldn't go to her baby shower or anything. She didn't want to be pg, didn't want a baby. :sigh: I got pg again right away and had another m/c. Finally Ryan came. Then another m/c. Then I had Kyle. Lauren came..and God must have really wanted us to have her because I need to take all sorts of precautions and stuff in early pregnancy, but we didn't even find out I was pg for a while. He definitely has his plans for each of us! :)
ReplyDeleteI didn't go to her baby shower either. She also didn't really want a baby. I would leave the room when she was in there with the baby. They would have been 8 days apart. God definitely has a plan. Having a loss, makes you love on the ones you have a little bit more.
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