After waiting 7 agonizing days of waiting to find out our amniocentesis results, we finally went back to the ultrasound doctor. This was not an exciting visit. We were going to find out what was wrong with our baby.
We walked in with tears in our eyes instead of smiles on our faces. We found out our baby did have Trisomy 18. The baby had a third chromosome in the 18th pair in every single one of the cells (there could have been a small chance that it was only in half of the cells). We also found that our baby was a girl. I think that crushed me more than anything. I really wanted a daughter. We made a follow up appointment with my regular OB/GYN.
We went into the doctor a few days later. She could not find the heartbeat of our baby girl. She had passed away. It was heartbreaking. I have never cried so much in my entire life, than I did in the two weeks all of this happened. We scheduled a date for a D&C.
March 4th. A day I celebrate as her birthday. We decided to name her Adelyn Mariah. This was way before Adelyn became the popular name it is now. I went in to the operating room with a baby, I came out empty; and I mean empty. I felt hollow. My mom had flown down to be with us during that time. Her and my husband wanted me to eat and go to the bathroom so we could leave the outpatient room. All I could do was lay there and cry. I don't think I ate for 3 days. I was angry, sad, frustrated, all kinds of emotions. I was so mad at my body, I was mad at God, I was mad at my cousin, who waited until I was going through all of this to announce she was pregnant that was an accident. I can honestly say I was never angry at my husband. I blamed myself and he blamed himself; but we never blamed each other.
Now the happy ending:
My doctor told me I needed to lose 30 pounds and wait 3 months OR wait 6 months before trying again. I lost 30 pounds and waited the 3 1/2 months. I became pregnant with Elexis during the same month I was due to give birth. God had a plan, he just didn't let me in on it. My second pregnancy was a good pregnancy, but I was so paranoid that I called my doctor about anything. She understood and was empathetic and would bring me in (sometimes after hours) to reassure me with finding the baby's heartbeat. Elexis even came on her due date.
Every March 4th, I let myself grieve for my first baby girl. I never got to physically hold her, but I know I will meet her one day. This past year we decided to start a new tradition and release pink balloons that day. It was beautiful. I like it better than just reading the reports and all of our wonderful cards and crying by myself. She would have been 14 this year. I think about her often, and now I have finally written her story. Thank you all so much for reading.
P.S. This is my 100th post!!! Yay.